Author's note: Headcanons for It Isn't the Fall That Kills You (3x03).
All the words in italics are from the episode.
It's the Truth That Kills You
She didn't always jump into a new relationship by sleeping with the guy within
the first month. But the few times she had, it usually ended up being a disaster.
Her first boyfriend in high school. Her prom date senior year. Her first
boyfriend in college who also became the father of her son.
And now Tim. She'd meant to wait. Get to know him first. Decide whether or
not he was someone she wanted in Ralph's life. In her life.
He lured her in by cooking dinner for her, topped off with a blueberry crumble
for dessert. Pent up hormones from nearly a decade of celibacy had also played
a big factor into her decision to let his seduction succeed. She'd fallen
willingly into his arms and into his bed. At least that's what she told herself.
She certainly hadn't been driven there by anger and frustration caused by
someone else.
It hadn't been the best sex she'd ever had. But it hadn't been the worst.
He cared enough to make sure she'd been satisfied as well. Which was more
than some of the others had done.
Something had been missing though. Something she couldn't quite put her finger
on. Something that nagged at the back of her mind. Something she wouldn't
admit to herself. Something she wished she'd known before she'd done something
she couldn't erase.
And now that something was staring her in the face. Down on his hands and
knees. His life in danger. His dark eyes exposing all the emotions he claimed
he didn't have. All the pain he couldn't hide. All the guilt she couldn't
ignore anymore.
"I'm confused." She was, too.
"I know, you're not getting enough oxygen." Her own breathing grew
shallow as well.
"No. It's because you picked Tim." But she hadn't picked Tim. He'd
been thrust at her like a consolation prize. One she accepted because she
was tired of waiting for the prize she really wanted.
"I know I can't be want you need." Yes, yes he could be. He was loyal,
protective, the perfect father figure for her son. And if she was honest
with herself, she'd fallen for that rude, arrogant know-it-all the first
day they'd met. How much did she really want him to change to be the man
she thought she needed?
"I know I can't be emotionally present the way you deserve. . ." Maybe
not. But his EQ had skyrocketed in the last two years. He was learning his
emotions were not something to fear. That even though they made him vulnerable,
they didn't make him weak. He still had a way to go, but he was close. Close
enough to get her hopes up.
"But I always thought that. . .that eventually you'd want to. . .you'd
want to be with me." Oh, God. She did. She did want to be with him. She'd
known almost from the minute she'd met him he was someone she wanted in her
life, for the rest of her life.
"And that's why it hurts." God, yes. It hurt. If his pain was anything
like she was experiencing. . . It hurt like hell. And it was a hurt which
would never quite ever go away.
"Because. . .because I love you."
Her vision blurred and she closed her eyes, the salty heat of her tears stinging
her cheeks. He was seconds away from dying. Deprived of oxygen. Hallucinating
an image of her which wasn't real, but real enough to him.
But it didn't matter if he was out of his head or not. He only stated facts.
And the fact was he'd finally said them. Those three little words. The ones
she'd been longing for him to say for over two years. The ones she'd thought
she would never hear from his lips. The ones she didn't know would hurt so
bad once they had been said.
But they were too late.
They had to be too late. She'd already done things she couldn't undo. Things
she wouldn't have done if she'd known.
She owed him the truth though, not just what he wanted to hear. A truth she
wished wasn't true. A truth that would kill her to deny because she'd fallen
too far to lie to him.
"I love you, too, Walter."